We’ve all had our experiences with heated conversations! Sometimes, it’s so hard to have a tough conversation and actually get the point across that your best interest is the child and their family. We are school counselors and we were born to help! However, sometimes, helping is just plain hard!

I learned a few things in grad school about this specific topic and it still sticks with me every time something tough comes up!

#1: You are NOT responsible for their feelings

Human beings are free to choose… even their reactions. We teach students the circle of control and how they are free to choose their choices and actions… adults are the same! Just because you might have given bad news or they don’t agree with you… doesn’t mean you have to be sorry. Sympathy and empathy are two totally different things!

You don’t hold their feelings hostage and give them what you want them to feel. Each person is different, made up of different life experiences and perceives things in different ways. So, when a person chooses to become defensive… it’s usually not about you.

#2: They do NOT hold power over you

You are the professional (in most cases), when dealing with parents. Therefore, you should try to compose yourself in such a professional manner that radiates with empathy and confidence. Try to envision yourself in their shoes and understand from their point. However, keep your goal in mind and ease into the conversation. I always start these conversations off like I’m their best friend! I truly want to be on their side and help… however, sometimes a hard nudge is necessary!

If things get heated, I always bring it back to the fact that we’re trying to be a team. How can we work together to do what’s best for the student? Bottom line… don’t play the power struggle game.

#3: Don’t agree with everything they say

This was a very bad habit of mine when I started my counseling journey… yes, I am a recovering “People Pleaser”!

I used to nod my head and say “uh huh” a lot, until I learned that it comes off as an agreement! Say whaaaat?? How did I not notice that!

So, here I am in a heated conversation saying “uh huh” when I really mean… “oh no you didn’t”!

Now, I notice when I want to do it. At that moment, all I’m really trying to do is be empathetic and I can do this without agreeing. So, instead I use an empathetic statement, track their feelings and summarize. Such as, “Oh, wow, that sounds terrible”, “that sounds frustrating”, and “no wonder you’re upset”. This way, things are a lot less confusing and I can state my concerns and offer suggestions.

#4: Short Specific & To the Point – Don’t let them run your time

You have a packed schedule and the last thing you need is an irate parent holding up half your day! I understand that meeting might be super important but so are the students classroom counseling lessons. So, get straight to the point… use the above suggestions and get on with it.

Also remember, if your schedule is busy and can’t handle a drop in, you can have them schedule an appointment with you. There are times when emergencies pop up… but this tip is not for that situation. Appointments also buy time…. time for people to cool off and time to get your thoughts together.

#5: You can always be blunt, if your empathetic

If you haven’t noticed already, the number one thing to do with an irate parent… is to be empathetic! They want to be heard and so do you. This is the key to having a successful conversation. As long as you understand where they are coming from and imagine what it’s like to be in their situation, then you can be as blunt as you need to be. Sometimes, people tiptoe around the obvious and they may need you to just come out with it. As long as you are teaming up with them and develop a great rapport, you can say what needs to be said. Be prepared, if you do, you may need to have resources on hand. For an easy example, if you are referring them to outside counseling, make sure to have multiple resources available for them to research.

#6: Keep the best interest of the child at heart

We are in this profession for our students and their families! Keep that in mind when you are having these difficult conversations. It’s not easy getting people to see eye to eye with you. However, if they know you are there for them. Sometimes, they will take a leap of faith and just trust you. Build a team and the child will flourish!

What experiences do you have dealing with heated conversations? How did you handle it?

 

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